Sometimes while I am working out I forget why I am there. I get so caught up in physical activity and I start to repeat “calorie, calorie, calorie” in my head every step I take or lift or whatever. I have this awful habit of walking up the three flights of stairs to work and every step I go up, I repeat calorie to myself. As if every step were to actually burn one calorie, I know it’s not.

I started to run yesterday. Only one mile. Then today, two miles. I was so happy. But why was I happy? While I was running, I was thinking how easy it would finally be to lose weight. I was calculating the caloric output difference between biking and running. I was excited…for some of the wrong reasons. I was also excited because running sets me free, it’s an automatic stress reliever, and it means I can start summer training for cross country, which I truly love. The point here is; the first thing I thought was not any of the cross country related stuff, it was the fact that I could lose weight easier.

I have to be proactive when it comes to my thoughts and working out. I have made it such a habit to think like that [calories..losing weight..] when that should not be the primary focus for working out. It is to be healthy, confident, and to become a better runner.

Interestingly, when my mother and I had that talk a few weeks ago, she told me that my cousin (who is only 6months older than me and lives back east) was dealing with an eating disorder the same time I was. Which, to my mother, means when I was about 15 since that is really the only time she knew I was struggling with such issues.  I was kind of surprised.

I have not thrown up in a long time. It has definitely been well over a month. I really feel like I can keep that part at bay. The hard part is not succumbing to another bad habit to take it’s place. I sort of dance around other old habits and then decide I am better than that. If only I could toss the scale out the window and watch it break all over the pavement. I would be better off. I want to do that, really badly. But I just can’t part with it. I’m scared I will wake up fat and not knowing if I really am or not will drive me crazy if I can’t verify it with the scale.

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