I’m just going to ramble on about nothing because it makes me feel better.
I hate the superficialness of this town. I remember now why I could not wait to leave senior year of high school. God it’s just, all so very fake. Shouldn’t I fit in so very well? ugh. Luxury houses and luxury cars and designer purses and clothes and jewelry and memberships most people cannot afford. Mostly though, I hate it here because I cannot separate the high school environment it was when I last lived here, versus the environment I could make for myself now, as an adult. I came here angry because we moved only because of the legacy high school baseball team for my brother. That is the only reason.
And when I cried and tried to make the point what about me? I was told I was being selfish. Selfish, Emily. Leave everything behind…coaches, team, student council president, honor society this and that and basically everything. AND I was even doing very well finally with certain food issues. But I was selfish. I already knew that, I already knew how awfully selfish I was since I had previously experienced being completely consumed with my body and calories and the scale. OH, I knew. So I came here angry. I knew I wouldn’t make friends angry so of course I did my best to be myself. And that was, outgoing. So I would spend all this energy at school wondering what people were thinking and smiling and trying to make friends and build back everything I had before. But the new town was different.
I feel isolated here. I feel like I am being constantly judged here. I have this…inferiority complex when I am here.
I recognized people at the gym tonight which is exactly what I did not want to happen. It was inevitable, probably. Everyone is so gossipy. And I haven’t seen a woman over 120 pounds yet in there. It is like freakin desperate housewives. I actually left the gym angry because I felt so fat and it’s hard for me to truly feel like I got a good workout in unless I can run. Nothing else maxes my heart rate out nearly as quickly or even at all. I left only to hide in my room and do more abs.