My stomach hurts so bad right now. I feel nauseous. Yesterday I ate about 475 calories. And I burned all of it off.  Last night after graduation I felt like I couldn’t breath. Food did not even sound good at all. Aj’s family, me, my brother, Bri and Bri’s mom went to to dinner and it was already 11pm so I think by the time we got there I was so past hungry that I just felt sick. So I just drank lemonade and ate 1/16 of this cheese crisp thing. I woke up feeling sick…I’m not even hungry. I ate a plain bagel at 1230pm…and it hurt to eat. Food is just completely unappealing.

I tried on all of the dresses that I own and none of them fit me. They were all too tight. I was trying really hard to rationalize that I had worn some those dresses before at nearly the same weight I am now and I had worn them with confidence. But I succumbed to the mirror. Somehow I must have lost muscle weight and replaced it with fat weight. Which, is entirely possible since I have not run in more than a month now.

It’s as if somehow I am so huge that I am not getting hungry because I already have too much on me. So I am just using all that fat storage for energy.

I think I am going to try to go to the gym during dinner time. I moved home today. Which means family dinners. I might puke at the site of any food right now. I don’t know…it’s weird.

Last night was incredibly awkward. A’s mom made me this huge crocheted blanket that says U N C on it. His grandpa paid for mine and my brothers dinner bill. He was acting like we weren’t broken up. I don’t think they know yet. In fact I’m wondering if he knows yet? Because I feel like I need space…but apparently that is not the case for him. He keeps calling and texting and wanting to hang out and honestly, it just hurts too much. It hurts, and I feel really annoyed every time we hang out. I know, I am a horrible person.

What the hell, I can’t BREATH. I’m breathing shallow and I have to take a deep breath every few minutes to get oxygen.  I haven’t been able to sleep either.

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