I have to have to have to get through the week without purging. I made a bet with myself, I shall not let myself down. This is the most stressful week and if I can just do it, and I know I can, I can always do it, yes?

Why this week is so stressful: finals. Breaking up with AJ. Knee pain/not running. moving home.

Oddly I feel really HUGE right now. I say oddly because I have eaten sweet potato (like…1/2 a potato), carrots, snow peas, broccoli, black coffee. Usually if I eat less than like…700 cals (And I’m sure I’ve eaten less then that), I feel good about myself, I feel light. I’m hungry….but I feel bloated and fat. Then I look at myself and yes it’s true! ugh just stop eating altogether.

I just need to run. Running solves this issue, maybe not completely but it sure makes it a lot better. I still wish I wasn’t 120. That number is presenting itself like a broken record.

I’m actually really proud of my House On Mango Street paper…I wish I was going to get it back, with side notes all over the margins. That is one thing I am good at; writing papers.

Jeff took Bri and I to lunch yesterday. He said he would train us in the summer. I am definitely excited about that because last summer was the best summer running-wise I have ever had.  If only he coached us year-round!

I really need to eat dinner. I am definitely hungry. ugh. I have mixed feelings towards food right now. I have this motivational side of me that is like, yes! you need to eat, you need to eat because your BMR has not come even close to being met today, and because it’s healthy! And not eating will not necessarily cause weight loss anyway. It will slow metabolism (think: frosh year eating like 300-500 cals/day and STILL gaining weight because I did a great job at fucking my metabolism up) ok so. Eat eat eat! and don’t purge! THEN, there is this freakin’ nagging side that absolutely will not go away today saying fat fat fat 120 don’t eat anything you don’t deserve food you can’t exercise (much) fat fat fat.

YAY how exciting, I can’t make up my freaking mind. It feels like World War II in my head. I just can’t let Hitler win.

2 thoughts on “onetwenty haunting

  1. Hi Emily:
    I’m very happy you will be able to run again soon because you seem to love it so much.
    Last weekend, or maybe the weekend before last, the t.v. at the gym was tuned into women’s college races. (They kind of focused on two twin runners who were from some place that sounded like Hogwarts.) Anyway, the girls were all way too thin!! I thought of you and wondered if you think you are heavy because the girls with whom you run are all so so skinny. They did not look attractive at all to me!
    I really think you seem a bit better in reading over your last entries. I hope you are not too sad about breaking up with your boyfriend. That’s so difficult.
    My daughter seems to be doing better every day. Baby steps; baby steps. She is still in “rehab.” I think the most difficult part is when she comes home. I hate the group sessions the parents have to attend b/c they are so very sad. One older couple comes but they have already lost their daughter to an ED. I almost cannot bear to see them there – to feel their terrible grief. They seem to need to understand what happened to their daughter for them to heal and somehow cope with their loss, but none of us are very helpful because none of us understand EDs.
    Please take care of yourself, Emily. Please be kind to yourself and appreciate yourself.
    You seem like a great person!


  2. That’s great news that your daughter is responding to treatment!

    I’ve been running since middle school, and I think it has become my idea of what is normal (being really thin). And you’re right, all the girls are thin, very thin. I have never felt that I am worthy of being one of the best because I have never felt thin enough, compared to the vast majority of the runners. Especially in college. Especially at Division I schools.
    But yeah. You’re definitely right. Somehow I have to learn to tell myself I don’t need to be skinnier then I am to run well.


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