Almost two hours in the waiting room. I was regretting not bringing something to study. Then once I finally got called back to a room, I sat there for another twenty minutes. He said although I did a number on my knee, the injury was not quite bad enough for surgery (thank god) and that (ready ready ready) I could most likely resume running in 2-3 more weeks. Did he just say I could run in the near future? Did I hear that? I see light, I see some freakin’ light!

Ok so I was house sitting and they had a scale in the bathroom. Curiosity got the best of me. Needless to say I was not too happy about the result and felt pretty shitty last night and this morning thinking about that number all day long.

120120120120120120120120120120120.  That’s four pounds more then Cross country season. which is truly disgusting. When I picture a single pound, I picture a one-pound dumbbell weight in four different places on my body. And how like…if I strapped it in those places to my body how awful it must look to have that extra-ness protruding from my body. ugh. Disgusting. That’s 14,000 extra calories.

I could have stepped on the scale and if it said 116, I would have been similarly disappointed.  Although I would have been relieved I hadn’t gained any weight, I would have been mad at myself for not having lost any weight. I could have been freshman-year-one-hundred-five and still been sorely miserable. Stupid scale. I taught myself pretty darn well how to use the scale as a measurement of worth. I am good at telling myself nothing is good enough. woohoo! So I have to laugh at this or else I’ll cry. And I have to admit that …i don’t remember what day it was, but recently … I actually thought I looked okay. Actually, I thought I looked pretty. I Swear, I did. Wait I remember, it was Saturday when Bri and I were getting ready to go to Michelle and Clyde’s house. I don’t know, somehow I just kind of thought I looked alright. Like, yeah, hey you look pretty darn good. T o d a y was a d i f f e r e n t story. And it feels weird to admit that I thought I looked good. Almost like I’m not allowed to say that. Like..maybe it was okay to think that in my head, but certainly not out loud, heavens no. I’m even fighting writing this right now. I’m contradicting myself as I’m writing it no no, remember you weigh 120. Remember how you used to weigh much less? Remember how you are fat and disgusting and should probably get off the computer right now and exercise. 

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