The internet is very dangerous. I have finals and a paper to write.
This is what is happening right now:
1) YouTube videos. Both the “video diary logs” and the “thinspiration” videos. Sometimes I am outraged, mostly I am fascinated.
2) Journals/blogs on the internet having to do with ED’s. I read them because I feel like I can relate to a real person and sometimes because I want to see what other people are doing to stay thin. (sick, I know.)
Ok so I have admitted I am easily amused with anything related to the loss of weight. Or rather, distracted. I get lost in articles and journals and videos and …. an hour later I have done nothing but make myself out to be fat.
I’ve eaten more than I wanted to today.
all-fruit smoothie (340)
bagel w/ peanut butter (400)
cereal w/ skim milk (210)
Rounding way up=(1300)
Definitely not eating anything else today. Shouldn’t be hard, I am not hungry at all, it is 7:20pm. I only need to last until 10:30ish.
I have not done any of the things I should have been doing as far as counseling goes. I wonder if I want to leave this behind. I still feel like I need it to survive.
I am scared that A) I will not figure this out before I leave for CO and B) The counselor will give up and C) I will permanently give up.
I want to weigh a lot less. I want to be healthy ……..
I don’t fucking know. I say I don’t know an awful lot. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. Lots of people have given up on me. Who’s next? Maybe they’ve forgotten. Maybe they never cared to begin with. Why do I even care? [I don’t know].
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. WHAT if NOTHING is wrong. What if I am completely normal and I only think I have a problem that needs to be fixed. Who decides what normalcy is anyway. The worst fucking part is IT IS ALL IN MY HEAD. I have no obvious physical symptoms. It would be nice if I could at least have enough willpower to be under 17% body fat or weigh under what is normal for my height.
I want to run so fucking bad.