Every Sunday at 3pm I am responsible for Fi. Fi is barely three years old, an only child and the product of–from my observation over the past year–good, loving parents. I have watched her grow for a year, and have witnessed so many changes and growths.

Yesterday we were in the kitchen, attempting to make pasta together. Which means she was sitting on the counter eating raisins and I was waiting for the water to boil. She tells me with pride that she put make-up on today with mommy to make her pretty.  A little stunned, I told her she was very pretty without make-up. (and by the way it was not visibly obvious that she was wearing make-up, her mom probably let her use some old compact) To this Fi replies, “But I need make-up to look even more pretty. I want to look more pretty.”

oh, ok. I carefully refrain from continuing this conversation. I know she will not understand me, and anything I further say will make her frustrated and she will probably cry. So we happily continue to make our pasta.

I am going to go run today.

I am in a better mood today then I have been lately. I have eaten really normally. I have felt bad about it, but not really bad about it. I have occupied myself with other things to do after eating and I have told myself that I’m not fat. Repeat, I have told myself I am not fat. I am not. I am fine.

Life would be so much better if I could eat what everyone else was eating and not obsess and worry about it for days after. I want to be healthy, not skinny. Are more people going to like me if I weigh 110, versus 120? Probably less people will like me, yeah? Because At 110, I am miserable. My body is angry at me for lacking nutrients, I cannot think clearly, and am constantly tired. At 115, or 120, I am myself. I think I need to give myself a range. I will be happy if I weigh somewhere between 115 and 120. If I go under 115, I will  know I am either severely dehydrated, or not currently eating enough. This will need to be addressed quickly because if I am not getting adequate amounts of water or calories, my body and especially my muscles will not be able to recover from workouts. ALSO, and this is important, because I may not always be able to run (as is quite evident this semester) I will need to address this because I want to be healthy. I want to be a happy, healthy person. I want to be a role model, not a super model. I don’t know where I got this idea that I need to be skinny. When did I become so superficial? I have not become superficial. I have learned behavior somewhere in the past and I now use it as a coping mechanism. I don’t look at other people whoa re my size and think they are fat. or ugly. I don’t look at people who weigh ten or twenty pounds more and think any differently either. In fact, I do not even think twice about most of the people I pass everyday. I am not thinking about everyone else’s appearance, why would they be thinking about mine? Granted, there are the exceptions…extremes on either side…way under or over weight. I might wish I looked like someone else who is underweight. But this is truly a damaging concept. To wish I looked like someone who is unhealthy. To wish I looked like I did when I was a freshman in high school. What’s the point? I was unhealthy and unhappy. I was not any more intelligent or any better (in fact, I was worse) at running. Why am I trying so hard to hold on to all these eating disorder behaviors?

117, 118, 119, 120…these are healthy numbers. AND, they are only numbers. What if I gain muscle? That is ok!!!  AND, I do not suddenly become unattractive because I weigh 119 today instead of 116. Whoever thought I was attractive at 116 will not change there opinion on the days I weigh a few pounds more. I only think they do.

It is ok to feel fat. (Yes, fat is a feeling in my dictionary.)  It is ok, because I will never not have days where I don’t feel ok. Every woman does. This is not cause to throw up.

I have much more important things to worry about and none of them involve what I look like or weigh. They DO involve being healthy.