I don’t think it is possible to ever think normally ever again. I will always have this voice that tells me I am fat and ugly and worthless. Some days it might be so tiny I can’t really hear it, but it is still there. It doesn’t ever go away.
I went to my hometown today to help with the track meet they were having. I was a timer and the meet lasted from 8:30am-5:30pm. My knee was throbbing about halfway through.
I hadn’t seen C in a really long time and she works up there and got off at 6:30…so we were going to go to dinner around 6:30. I had time to kill. I drove by the house I grew up in. I wanted to get out and go down the wash to see if the swing and treehouse were still there. But they landscaped the side yard really well and the wash might have been visible from the backyard..so I didn’t go because I didn’t want anyone to think I was some crazy trespasser. That was eight years ago, I’m sure it is gone anyway. They painted the wood on the front porch sky blue. Why would anyone do that?? I don’t think I would ever want to go inside the house because I’m sure it’s remodeled and that would be sad…and I’d be afraid I would forget what it used to look like. That was a great house to grow up in.
Well then 6:30 rolled around and C called. I was hoping she would ask me where I wanted to go and I was all ready to suggest Subway. or just go get coffee. But that’s not how the conversation went. She wanted to go to some sports bar place that I’d never heard of. What was I supposed to do? I said Ok with some hesitation and went along with it. No, no, no. Not a good idea. I am a horrible person.
It’s dark by the time we leave. I am full. I am now becoming terrified of what I’ve eaten. I decide I need to get rid of it. So my mind starts racing for places that this event could place take at. Come on, think! This is the freakin desert there has got to be a million places. I start driving realizing the faster I get to wherever I am going the easier this will be. I decide to go back to the track. I was hoping they accidentally left the bathroom door unlocked. Not the case. I tried East and West sides. Now what. well. no one is here. it’s dark. it’s the desert. So I shamelessly and frantically just did it next to a side building in the desert. And I very shamefully left, watery eyes making sure no one witnessed this awful event.