I cannot concentrate. it is impossible. I skipped my night class so I could study for the lab practical I have tomorrow morning. What have I accomplished? Hardly anything. I still do not know any of the slides. And I do not have any of the models down pat yet. OK, accept the larynx. I have that one down. But seriously, I have been trying to study since 2pm. It is almost 11pm. I’m tired. Irritated. restless. Approaching anger.
The one thing I can’t stand: not being able to run. This is day 5. I am going crazy.
I was doing really well until last thursday. I ate “unsafe” foods and didn’t purge. I actually felt good about myself. I was running well. I’m trying not to think in all or nothing terms but that’s how I feel. Everything was good, now everything is bad. Not true. But right now this very instant I am hating life. I was going to try and write something…positive. Because when I write out goals or positive thoughts, etc, it usually makes me feel a little better and inspired to be positive and productive. I’m just so angry about my hamstring/knee injury. I mad at myself for even racing the steeple chase in the first place. Why couldn’t I just run the 5000 or 1500?
So I haven’t gone grocery shopping in like two weeks. I hardly have any food left. Some cereal and frozen vegetables. A few small apples. That’s it. I keep telling myself I don’t need to go grocery shopping because I can’t run.
I wish I could focus on studying the anatomy slides.
I keep dreaming about things relating to eating disorders. And it makes me nervous/anxious in the dream and then I wake up nervous.