Pre-meet dinner with AJ at Fazzoli’s. I had ravioli in Marinara. and 5 breadsticks. yes, five. FIVE. f-i-v-e. Is that normal? I don’t think so. I think that is quite the opposite: not normal, far too many breadsticks. I am (obviously) very full. I definitely want to purge right now.

I want to. I feel like I need to.

Get out the costs list. And I still want to. ah but I have a meet tomorrow. ugh.

You know, the costs list says things like, “I will be frustrated/ashamed with myself” But as I am reading it I am thinking well, I will be frustrated for not purging because I am afraid I will gain weight, afraid the breadsticks have already turned to fat on my stomach. how incredibly ridiculous. But that’s what I feel like is going to happen. I know it’s not rational. But I can’t get it out of my head that that’s what’s happening. As if I am the (almighty) exception to the human race and things are going to happen to me that do not/cannot happen to everyone else.

It’s war. In my head.

I’m going to try and go to sleep. And not purge. Even though for the record I still very much so want to get rid of everything I ate tonight.

One thought on “stupid restaurant

  1. Omg honey I feel your pain – I am trying to recover as well, largely using the blog to help, plus my mom, my own head, etc… I can’t “purge” through exercise tonight, and I feel so terrible… I won’t even dwell bc it makes it harder. But I want to just lose 5 more pounds so bad, maybe 8 or so… I am doing a cleanse soon, and it’s the 3rd time I’ve done it. It’s physical, emotional, and spiritual, and I am traveling inside my own thoughts to find me again, bc she is lost under this ED, hence the title of my blog… check me out. Keep talking, it helps. I’m here, too, you can. ALSO recently realized, think about this, when people fear failure, what do they do? They create success. If they fear success, they would create failure… so me eating too much is self-sabotage and WHY? Because I think I have a fear of success… hence my tag, referencing “Our greatest fear is not that we are not good enough, it’s that we are powerful beyond measure.” I have to learn to not fear success. Google fear of success and read up on it, it can help you as well, when you see that you (probably) exhibit the symptoms of that fear due to whatever your past has been like, etc… Keep talking… Believe in your goals. I can sound optimistic and still struggle as well, so I’m just here to relate, girl. But I’m treading water. -Nia

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