Pre-meet dinner with AJ at Fazzoli’s. I had ravioli in Marinara. and 5 breadsticks. yes, five. FIVE. f-i-v-e. Is that normal? I don’t think so. I think that is quite the opposite: not normal, far too many breadsticks. I am (obviously) very full. I definitely want to purge right now.
I want to. I feel like I need to.
Get out the costs list. And I still want to. ah but I have a meet tomorrow. ugh.
You know, the costs list says things like, “I will be frustrated/ashamed with myself” But as I am reading it I am thinking well, I will be frustrated for not purging because I am afraid I will gain weight, afraid the breadsticks have already turned to fat on my stomach. how incredibly ridiculous. But that’s what I feel like is going to happen. I know it’s not rational. But I can’t get it out of my head that that’s what’s happening. As if I am the (almighty) exception to the human race and things are going to happen to me that do not/cannot happen to everyone else.
It’s war. In my head.
I’m going to try and go to sleep. And not purge. Even though for the record I still very much so want to get rid of everything I ate tonight.