I’m afraid that what I see in the mirror is not real. I’m afraid that when I feel good about myself, it’s only because I was looking in a forgiving mirror, or the angle was somehow flattering, but in real-life other people do not see me as how I hope they see me. Basically, I am afraid other people see me how I see myself. Fat.
So. I am supposed to look at this “costs” list if I feel like I need to purge. The counselor wrote down everything I came up with that costs me every time I purge. I’m going to say it will be somewhat effective. The list is lengthy. Right now, I am thinking, FUCK EATING DISORDERS. What is the point? Get over it already. Eight years of wasting time and energy and sanity on calories and vomit and food and exercise and thinspiration. Fuck. That is so much lost. I have lost so much time. Time can’t be replaced. Screw health, think about the TIME. HOLY CRAP. I could have created a cure for cancer. Ok so maybe not but seriously.
Herein lies the problem. This very second, I am very determined not to purge and to eat the right amount of calories and not stress about the scale. But for how long? (And I guess the very fact that I am doubting my own ability to stay motivated for an extended period of time will inevitably lead to indeed a lack of motivation, sooner rather than later.) I feel motivated, I feel like the counseling is helping, I feel like I can do this. I want my life back.
It’s just, the minute I think one negative thing, it’s all over.