I’m not even sick enough to warrant help. I’m a fucking failure. I feel sick right now. I don’t know how much I ate, I was trying not to keep track today. TRYING no to be so obsessive about calories. So I was just listening to my stomach and at dinner, I was really hungry. I ate. and ate. and ate. and I feel so full.

I don’t know what it is, i was perfectly fine. Fine with everything I ate. Then the feeling of being full hit like no other and my mind just took off. And I can’t throw it up….I have a race tomorrow. I don’t want to risk dehydration or throat problems or bloating or anything that comes with puking. UGH I CANT FUCKING STAND IT. I hate myself. I need to talk to someone right NOW. I hate this i hate this i hate this. It fucking sucks. There are so many things going through my head right now. Half of them are telling me to stay strong and the other half is begging me to get rid of everything I ate. Pleading to undo the food disaster. WHO AM I? I don’t know which voice is MINE. Am I the one hating myself and wanting so badly to puke or am I the one fighting to recover? What do I want? I don’t know! I’m scared. I can’t figure it out. I want my eating disorder. I am fat without it. It keeps me safe.

I’m always safe here. There is comfort. comfort in dying? comfort in disease? But it’s dark here. Why can’t I keep the light? It’s as if I want to be here. In the dark. alone. safe, but scared and dying slowly.

I don’t know what my favorite color is.


5 thoughts on “feel a little unsteady

  1. Dear Calamity:
    I wish I could talk to you right now — not that I would have the right things to say necessarily, but I truly do understand your pain. Even if you are not underweight (and you may be; you just said you weren’t), you have an eating disorder and it is ruining your life, and destoying who you are. I can tell you are a bit of a perfectionist that has not enough self-esteem. I could never run track, take classes (and get good grades) and work!!! You are amazing!!!

    I think Ana gave you the wrong info. There are many people who can help with EDs but there are many therapists that are less than great at their job. One place that is helpful for most (although may not be THE answer) is Overeaters Anonymous. I was suprised about this, but check it out.

    I am not smart enough or knowledgeable enough to really help anyone with an ED, but I do know that they really hurt you (and those that love you) and they can kill.

    I know your ED can seem like a place of safety but it will own you if you can’t stop it — and it’s really hard to stop it, especially on your own.

    I’ll be praying for you. Please be kind to yourself.



  2. Wendy, Thank you. Actually, that’s not the first time I’ve heard that OA meetings are helpful for people with all types of ED’s. But I am far too busy and mortified of other people knowing to attend a meeting like that.
    I’m rather curious how you ended up on my journal (it’s not everyday people leave comments)…are you recovered/ing from an ED?


  3. Hi Emily:

    I am the mother of a daughter with ED. On Monday, I was told that she needs to go into residential treatment. (She’s been seeing a therapist and nutritionist for over a year, but she is not getting better.) I’ve been surfing the net for individuals who might mention some success with a particular treatment center. There are so many; it’s hard to know which one to choose. I need to decide soon.

    Your blog really touched me. My daughter is not as articulate as you are, but I think you two are quite similar, and reading your blog helped give me more insight into what my 15 year old daughter is battling. I read somewhere that it was like a terrible second person inside your head telling you how bad you are and telling you not to eat. It is such a complex disease. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of. It’s so hard to recognize because everyone is worried about their weight and it is difficult to know where normal worry and effort ends, and illness begins.

    Today, I came back here just to check on you because I guess I was worried about you. I remembered “beautiful calamity” so I googled it and anorexia and found you right away.

    You sound like a wonderful blessed person with many gifts. I hope that you can find time to talk to someone with the knowledge to help you. Know that there are many many young women out there struggling with this in silence – just like you. It has been my experience that, for some inexplicable reason, this disease seems to strike women that are beautiful, smart, and sensitive — not the type who you would imagine would feel bad about themselves.

    Please take care of yourself. If I can ever be of any help to you, please e-mail me.



  4. Wendy, you didn’t leave your e-mail…so hopefully you will come back and see this comment.

    I’ve definitely never been sick enough to require residential treatment, and I don’t know about any centers accept the two in Arizona. (Remuda Ranch and Mirasol) but I hope you found one that fits your daughter. I’d be interested to know which one you decided on.

    She’s so lucky to have parental support! I think if I had the courage to let my parents help me I would be in much much better shape. Maybe one day…


  5. Hi Emily:

    I did come back to check on you! I apologize for not leaving my e-mail address. It pops up when I click on your page so I assumed it was on here. It is redwilma123@yahoo.com.

    Thank you for asking about my daughter. We did look into Mirasol but are now waiting for a bed in Center for Discovery in northern California. She is very depressed. She does not want to go. She only wants to be thin (she thinks she’s fat at 90 lbs and 5’5″.). The doctor said for the first time that she probably also has some form of OCD, which may be very easily treatable with the right drugs.
    I am very hopeful, but this will be a very long struggle.

    I wish you had someone to help you. Parents are often a good choice, although, like me, they probably won’t KNOW what to do, but they will care and will try to find some answers for you. (Everyone is different and this is such a commplicated disease.)

    Please be sweet to yourself, Emily. Please be gentle. And you know, having an ED is nothing to be ashamed of at all. It’s so so common, and sometimes if you bring it out into the light you can deal with it better. (Losing your ED won’t make you fat!!!)

    Please take good care of yourself, Emily.
    I probably won’t be able to come back to your site for a whle, so do feel free to e me.



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