I threw up last night.

I hadn’t eaten much until dinner, so I was pretty darn hungry after practice. I ate broccoli, an apple, and a LOT of chocolate milk. Well, milk makes me feel extremely full. So full, I couldn’t stand it any longer. So I TRIED to get rid of it. But, it’s not quite that simple. You would think if it was the last thing ingested, it would be the first thing up. No! The apple came up, and I still felt full. However, just the act of throwing up had some sort of relief factor that made me stop without getting the milk up. How odd is that. Obviously I only throw up to relieve stress. Feeling full=stress. Throwing up (regardless of what came up or how much) was satisfying.

Second appointment with the therapist was yesterday. I always get so nervous before I go in.  I think sometime people do not know what to do with me since I do not fit the bulimia category (I do not binge) and I weigh far too much to be considered anorexic. So anyway she gave copies from a book to read (some self-help bulimia book) and I read it last night, of course, first opportunity I had. I have this odd fascination with information regarding eating disorders. As I was reading it I kept thinking, this doesn’t apply to me. I don’t binge. So it was hard for me to take any information that may have applied to me since I was so upset with the book for assuming I went on regular binges.

It’s like I’m right in the middle between the two; that is, anorexia and bulimia. I’m ashamed of the purging, proud of all weight loss. When I’m purging often I’m depressed; when I’m anxious I’m not eating enough. I’m a perfectionist and I am social (less when I am purging a lot). How do you help me when I can’t fall to one side? I’ve created this logic where if one bad habit isn’t working, I’ll fall into the other bad habit for awhile and just juggle them back and forth.