I was at a parking garage and had two hours validated by the school. I was one minute over. They made me pay two dollars. For one minute.
I worked myself up. I was fine. I had a great workout at practice. Breakfast, lunch, fine. Dinner with my brother at a sub place. Fine. I had soda, though. not diet. I got in the shower and just worked myself up. I hardly tried to fend it off. I was almost wanting be this way, for a minute. So minus the gory details, it was gone. And I successfully ruined three weeks of being purge-free. I had eaten about 1,700 calories. And the number just seemed so high. GOD everything is always so intense and scary and frightening and completely out of proportion in the moment. As soon as I thought I had eaten too much I figured out how much I had actually eaten and automatically the number too much. It was too much before I even figured it out. It could have been 700 and it would have been too high. Throw out the logic. ALL OF IT. I can’t handle what’s real. I KNOW I NEED 2400 calories per day if I continue to run 40 miles/week. I KNOW. Where was this information when I was freaking out in the shower about 1700 calories? Seriously, I cannot grip reality when I feel stressed about anything.
It was hot today at practice….high 90’s. So we were all running without shirts. Halfway through the workout P says, E you have such nice curves. You have the perfect body. And I hear this: E you have curves. Curves = not thin. I take a nice compliment and twist it all up. She was being so nice. I wanted to believe her. I just have this fear that when people give compliments they are lying. How stupid, right?