you know what I think about all day long? How awful I look. ALL DAY LONG. I have become extremely moody, depressed and anxious ALL THE TIME. I can cry in an instant. Really, it’s quite the ability. I can’t study or concentrate. My attention span has become that of a two-year-olds. All I can focus on is calories. food. weight. exercising. I have become an incredibly selfish person. I am going to lose my friends at this rate, because I hardly want to do anything. Mostly because finding clothes that I think look good on me is pure torture and practically impossible. It ends in tears, half the time. And a suddenly bad mood the other half.
I can’t even focus on running anymore. I look down and see disgusting popcorn thighs. And then I wonder if anybody else is noticing my popcorn-ness, and get anxious and let me tell you, hyperventilating while doing track repeats is just not a good idea.
Last night I went to bed at 8:30 to avoid eating dinner. Which worked out quite well, I might add. I went straight from practice to the shower to my bed. Did a little homework, and fell asleep. I wasn’t even really hungry either. So it made me wonder if I was really even “skipping a meal” because if I wasn’t hungry then my body must have gotten enough calories throughout the day to suffice through dinner. Which just proves I am fat.
So the ASU lady called me back today, and “assessed” me. They were direct questions and I was unprepared for such directness…but I answered, at first with hesitancy. How much do you weigh? 118. What is your height? 5’5. she probably is thinking how could I possibly have an eating disorder at such a high weight. ugh. I am so disgusting. so fat. why did I even call. The only thing I need help with is losing weight. i need to lose a lot more weight to qualify for help. I really do. “Well I am putting you on the waiting list. There are a few doctorate students interested in your problem, but I don’t know when you’ll get in. It could be tomorrow or it could be a month.”
I am going to try and lose weight in the next few days/weeks. Not that I am ever not trying. But I might as well actually lose weight since all I can do successfully is think about losing weight. Maybe I will deserve help if I can actually lose weight. I think that’s part of the reason why I can never get over this. I don’t feel like I have a problem because I am not thin enough. (logically, i know there is a problem)
I don’t know. My thoughts are all jumbled and unorganized. I’m fat I’m fine I’m fat I’m fine I’m fat.