I am breathing. I know I am alive but I feel like I’m dead. Sometimes I have moments of LIFE. Laughing, forgetting all of this, focusing on something truly productive. Not for long, though.
Mostly I am just going through the motions of each day. Half the time I don’t even try to fake it. I’m going to lose my friends because it has become really hard to put on a show. I can’t even get dressed to go out because NOTHING looks good on me. Absolutely nothing. I try one million and half outfits and then tear up because I am so fat. Yes, fat. fat fat fat. It is quite ridiculous, I am well aware. Which, by the way, only adds more tears to the situation. Deep down I know I cannot possibly be fat. But what I see in the mirror is not acceptable.
God, I need to study. I can’t focus.
I am going to run the 3,000m at the meet next weekend. I don’t feel very prepared, since I was injured all winter break. Track is so much more intimidating than cross country. Everybody is watching the whole time, lap after lap, and all those girls are so thin. Except me, struggling to to not let them get too far ahead. I’m extremely nervous for it.
I need help so badly, but it seems I am not meant to receive it. I finally got the nerve to call the ASU counseling center, and there is a waiting list of like 60 people. So I wasn’t expecting a call back anytime soon. But some woman called and left a message on my phone for the initial assessment you have to do over the phone so they can decide if they can help or not, and when I called back, of course, the answering machine. So I left a message. But it just seems like every time I make some sort of (lame, maybe) attempt at getting help, it goes wrong. I am not meant for it. I am meant to be like this forever.
But I am so scared of that fate……………………………I HATE THIS!!!