Survival Mode

Read a day ago: "Your body never lies." Read an hour ago: "Silence is the most deadly threat to an eating disorder." Read a moment ago: "There is nothing wrong with you. Every part of you has an explanation." My body isn't lying, my silence isn't helping, my reasons are valid. I have to engage…

Loyal Love

I can hear my sister-in-law crying through the thin walls of my parents house. She will attend her 36-year-old brothers funeral tomorrow. All I can think is that I cannot fathom losing my own brother and the devastation and grief that must be occurring is, at best, intense and overwhelming. At worst, crushing devastation--the weight…

22 years ago

Dear 10-year-old self, It's ok to be scared. There isn't anything wrong with needing caring adult arms wrapped around your tiny body, your face buried in a safe chest, your rapid heart beat falling with warm embrace. And then, it's ok to let tears spill and soak the shirt of the nonjudgmental and loving human…

Grace, again.

Maybe I can give myself some grace for being in a season of change. Change is hard even if it's positive. Sure, this season is agonizingly longer than winter, spring, summer, and fall combined but I'm doing something powerful for myself that is literally saving my life. If I hadn't had the courage to take…

Love Me

Can I forgive myself for all the things I did because I was just trying to be loved? I didn't understand, as a child, that I was just trying to survive and that the ways I coped weren't destructive on purpose. They held a purpose, they protected me when I felt scared, alone, and vulnerable.…

Take Some Love

On Thursday evening I waited for over an hour with my 4-year-old in the car in a hospital parking lot. The crib she slept in the first 18 months of her life, and her brother the same, broken down in the back of our van ready to be a newborn's new place of safety. My…