Truth in Love

I can do this. My wolfpack is the softest, warmest blanket on the coldest day. This morning, with my dietitian, tears formed while she explained her thoughts and observations about why I slipped. Her observation came separately from my own internal one, which precisely matched hers. It was perfect validation. It was exactly what I…

Obituary

I still can’t believe she’s gone. The picture in the obituary is her. I’m feeling sick all over again. How is this real, COME BACK! Please, just come back.

Loss

Writing here is usually a primary way for me to process or let out what’s going on in my head and heart. So much has been going on in my head (& heart & body) that I am at a loss for words and it feels a bit jarring and sad to me to want…

Grief p.3

Depression is: driving home in a storm, eyes filled with tears screaming to get out, and no one answers the phone. It is the sinking shift from inviting emotions to be, and instead shutting them down. For survival. It’s being the only one in a room that knows the color of your brain: black. It…

Maxed

I need my mom. The mom that I would be for my children in the same situation. I cannot endure this much grief, pack up and move houses, be a graduate student, stay on top of kids starting school for the first time on Monday, and fight the eating disorder that wants to take control…

Dear K,

It has only been 4 days since I found out you went to Heaven 5 days ago. The only time I stop thinking about missing you is when I’m sleeping. You are always in my head, guiding me to make choices good for my soul. I’d needed you less and less to make those choices,…

Everything feels wrong. e v e r y t h i n g. It feels wrong to eat and wrong not to. It feels wrong to plan to run and wrong not to. It feels wrong to write and wrong not to. My urges for self care or urges for survival are met with "what…

I need you

K** wouldn’t want her to death to be a reason for derailing my recovery. She would have wanted me to nourish my body and grieve at the same time. But it’s so hard. This is so, so, hard. I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to eat. I feel guilty for even…