Colors

I'm wearing a bright yellow dress today. I received several compliments from strangers, some of who began with a compliment and ended with a "I can't pull off a yellow dress." Me either, but I'm wearing it anyway because if I picked a color to match how I'm feeling or what I think I can…

Birthday #1 of 12

Dear Eating Disorder, You are no longer welcome at any celebrations. I can't completely give you up yet but you will not be my plus one. You suck the life out of me and this is where I am going to practice leaving you. The thought of this strikes fear throughout my entire body, but…

Shame

You come across my face as a quick and unconvincing smile. You tangle my brain and cause my heart to beat rapidly. You are suspended in my stomach and give rise to nausea. I cannot eat. I lose my voice in your presence. The jagged words leaving my lips try hard to come together to…

-confusion

Sometimes I'm afraid what I see is real. -what I feel is real. -what I tell myself is real. All the lines between here and there are neither here or there. -between imaginary and reality -between existence and mortality Sometimes I am reduced to thousands of puzzles with no finite answers and I find it…

Baby Cake Step

I ate this. All of it. In less than twenty minutes. I kept this. I ate all my meals the whole day. I did not run or swim or bike or even do a single pushup. I love this. I love this because of all the things beyond the cupcake: pushing through anxiety and fear,…

One Year

I'm doing it. I'm fighting back. I'm observing all my thoughts (with judgement, but I'm pretty sure that's going to take a much longer time) and acting opposite to the eating disorder abuse. It feels almost unbearably wrong. It feels surreal. A part of me is dying and even though I know that part of…