My Prayers Dissipate

Dear God, Universe, Heavens, Someone In My World, I need to know, right now, I am going to get through this. 5:36am: please let this day be different. 10:45am: I don't have to go to the bathroom, I have to turn the faucet on to remember I am alive. 11:22am: "How are things going with you...?" This is…

A Science Game

I used to be precisely afraid of becoming a lab rat. Let's see if this works: bupropion, escitalopram, lorazepam, sertraline, hydroxyzine, trazodone, desvenlafaxine, clonazepam. I never wanted to be involved in this science project. A perfectly healthy body would have existed had I not viciously fucked it up molecule by molecule with poor choice after…

Do Not Jump

You're not too much. You're just human. A human who needs to eat and breath and stay alive. A body with a fragile but strong heart. A newborn needing to be held. A child that has a lot of crying to do without fear and judgement. A teenager vying for approval and love. A young…

How to Lose Everyone

On Wednesday I didn't show up to a class I'm taking because I couldn't fathom socializing. I've loved going to the class. I missed the topic I was looking forward to the most. Yesterday I canceled all plans for today. And next week. Save for a bachelorette party I can't imagine attending. That's next on…

Spiritless

I don't think anyone is getting how agonizing it is to hit every tree limb on the way down to emotional rock bottom. How intrusive guilt is because I didn't earn the right to feel despair or to pray for never-ending sleep. How piercing and heavy the sadness is trapped in my body. How hold…