Complex trauma

I used to do a lot of processing about my therapy sessions (both general things going on or about my therapeutic relationship) with K**, and I think it’s causing me to feel a sense of loss in security and in my own trust now that I don’t have that outlet anymore. I feel extra nervous…

I am very little

Halfway through July, therapy turned into a constant space to grieve. I needed it to be that. I cried every single day for 2 months. I couldn’t think at length about anything without grief creeping in, in some way. The fact that little-me had begun to feel safe enough to be seen in therapy was…

Desert Trails

The creosote scent is so strong and perfect—too exact, though, as the aroma fills my lungs my brain sends me somewhere else. The things I love are also sad and sometimes I suddenly don’t know where I am or how old I am or what is happening. Suddenly, a happy, lively moment is taken from…

Dear K, Letter #9

The other day, my supervisor, completely unexpectedly, said, “I’ve got to say, you really remind me of K**.” K**, I wanted to pause supervision right there and sit with you at the cemetery and cry. This was the best compliment anyone could possibly give me right now. Stunned, I told my supervisor I might cry…

Dear K, letter #lostcount

Defining grief perfectly is impossible. It is unpredictable yet predictable all at once. It is a never ending stream of tears and memories filled with unfailing love that force the corners of your mouth to turn up because you can’t help but smile, even in the devastation. It is the “both/and,” like you asked me…

Tornado

I cannot understand what’s happening in my brain. It doesn’t add up and it doesn’t make sense and it is so terrible that I can’t just stop the thoughts from flooding in. I am a problem. The problem has to go away. I’ve started to wish for help from anyone that sees me, wishing they…

Reminder

Something that matters more than anything: God made me the mother of my children. He meant for ME to be their mom. He knew I would be the best mama for them. That is purpose and truth that has to stay present when chaos starts happening. I have these two perfect reasons to fight through…